Everyone makes mistakes, it’s an inevitable part of being human. Yet somehow it can be a lot easier to forgive others for their mistakes than it is to forgive ourselves.

Forgiveness is defined as a process of intentionally putting aside feelings of resentment toward someone who has wrongfully harmed or offended us whilst treating them with compassion and kindness. However, forgiving ourselves for our mistakes is just as important as forgiving others yet this is often overlooked. Engaging in self-forgiveness can have a positive impact on alleviating stress which can be beneficial in improving both mental and physical health as well as overall well-being.

Practising self-forgiveness is not just something you can switch on and off, it’s a skill that needs to be practised and will take time to get comfortable with it. So, to help you begin, here are 5 tips to start engaging in self-forgiveness.

1. Accepting the emotions

When you begin your journey of self-forgiveness, some challenging emotions such as shame and guilt may arise. These can be extremely uncomfortable emotions to address and sit with, however, they are completely normal human emotions that we all feel.

Identifying and labelling these emotions when we are feeling them can be a helpful tool to reduce their intensity which may help us learn how to regulate them. Just negatively dwelling on these emotions can be overwhelming, which can ultimately harm our well-being and health. So, learning to accept these emotions and most importantly not judging them as a negative reflection of ourselves can be powerful in processing what happened and an important step in learning how to forgive ourselves.

2. Self-Compassion

Typically, we tend to be a lot harder on ourselves than we are on others. Practising self-compassion is essentially treating yourself with the same care, understanding and kindness as you would to someone else. Self-forgiveness is an essential tool when practising self-compassion.

Self-compassion is a skill that requires regular practice. Below are some exercises to try and engage with to develop self-compassion and work towards self-forgiveness. 

• Remind yourself that you are only human, and you are doing the best you can
• Reaffirm your worth
• Validate your emotions – notice them and name them, “here is a feeling of…”
• Take time to practice self-care and nurture yourself
• Turn the volume down on negative self-talk and thoughts and try to engage in more positive self-affirming ones
• If you notice some negative thoughts or self-talk, ask yourself if someone close to you was in this situation, what would you say to them? What would they say to you?

3. Accepting and acknowledging responsibility

We may avoid or feel uncomfortable about the idea of self-forgiveness, fearing it may suggest we are letting ourselves off the hook or that it’s a sign of weakness. This could not be further from the truth. Self-forgiveness means that you accept and acknowledge your mistakes without any excuses or justifications and want to positively move on with your life without constantly ruminating on these past events.

Facing what has happened is a really hard step, but essential for practicing self-forgiveness however ensure you approach this with kindness and self-compassion. Getting these thoughts out of your head by either talking to someone about them or writing them down may help lessen their burden.

Whilst this is important, it’s essential to recognise that this is not always appropriate for people who blame themselves for something they are not responsible for, especially for victims of a traumatic event. In this scenario if you are struggling with these emotions, it may be helpful to seek professional help to help you process them.

4. Focus on building a better future

Self-forgiveness can be an important tool in building healthy strategies for letting things go and focusing on a more positive future.

Self-forgiveness is not about ignoring or forgetting what has happened but moving forward by embracing mistakes and using them to guide you in making better choices in the future. Staying in a cycle of self-punishment is unhealthy so try and view mistakes as an opportunity for growth, not a personal flaw. This process requires patience, but it can be helpful to recommit to the values that are important to you and how you want to live your life.

5. Seeking help

There may be potential barriers to self-forgiveness such as low self-esteem, self-blaming, depression or even just resistance to the idea of self-forgiveness. In this case, it may be helpful to get some professional support.

Seeking professional help can offer a safe and judgement-free environment to explore your thoughts, feelings, and behaviours. They can help you identify tools to cope with mistakes, no matter how big or small they are, to help you process what happened, develop coping skills, and move forward.